DEAR DAWG,
I cannot figure out how the UIL puts high schools into classifications. I mean, I know the basics—the 6A schools are big and the 1A schools are small. But how exactly do they do it? Is there a science to it? —STUCK IN THE MIDDLE AT 3A.

DEAR STUCK IN THE MIDDLE:

We just heard a very clear explanation about this, from none other than Dr. Charles Breithaupt, Executive Director of the UIL. According to Dr. B, the UIL can do this classification thing just by driving around the state and looking around in each town. Here’s the criteria:

Your town has no DQ:                                 You are 1A
Your town has one DQ:                               You are 2A
Your town has one DQ and a Sonic:     You are 3A
Your town has a Walmart:                          You are 4A
Your town has a Super Walmart:            You are 5A

We think the new 6A classification is reserved for places with multiple Starbucks.

Hope that clears it up for you, and Happy V-Day to all of you!

DAWG BONE: THE UIL PROCESS MAY SEEM MYSTERIOUS BUT IT ALL MAKES SENSE.