Dear Dawg: Please note that the undersigned law firm has been retained by Mr. Charlie Brown to pursue claims against the Mudworthy ISD and all of its top administrators. A few of the not so top as well. 

Mr. Brown attended Mudworthy ISD a few decades ago along with the Van Pelt children (Lucy and Linus), a piano playing prodigy named Schroeder, an assortment of other kids and one beagle dog named Snoopy.  Pertinent to the above mentioned claims, my client was repeatedly, deliberately, flagrantly, completely, heartlessly ignored, snubbed, rejected and put down by one child known only as The Little Red Haired Girl (TLRHG).  Such inhumane treatment, well known to the administrators and teachers of Mudworthy ISD, culminated each year on Valentine’s Day when my client was ostentatiously denied a Valentine’s Day Card by the aforementioned TLRHG despite the fact that every other child in the classroom, boy and girl, smart and not so, tall and short, thin and fat, received a card.  Certified but heartless teachers observed this cruel treatment year after year to my client’s detriment.

My client suffers the effects of this trauma to this day.  Depression.  Codependency.  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  He wears the same boring shirt every day of his life and has been unable to maintain a relationship or hold a job. Even his loyal canine companion, Snoopy, has abandoned him.

The real malefactor here is TLRHG but we don’t know her name or where she lives. So we’re coming after you.  There are many zeros in our demand for damages.  Give me a call.  BUCK TOPPER, ATTORNEY AT LAW.

DEAR BUCK: Hey, buddy, everybody has a sad V-Day story to tell.  The Little Red Haired Girls of the world have been crushing the hopes of the Charlie Browns since the beginning of time.  We have some therapeutic advice to offer your client.  GET OVER IT.  Maybe he should do something creative with his pain.  Some guys write songs.  The Girl from Ipanema.  What a Fool Believes.   As for you, we suggest you do a little research into the statute of limitations.

DAWG BONE: HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!

Tomorrow: IDEA abuse.